7-29-09: Mock Mailbag

Hello again everybody...

I told you so.

I told you that I was holding back describing what I was going to write about today, because inevitably something comes up to blow whatever I had planned out of the water.

And yesterday, Mr. Favre did the honors.

But I'm not a die-hard NFL Fan, so I don't want to do an entire column on Favre. So instead I decided to add in a couple of ideas I had previously for today, toss in a complete rip-off of other writers who've used this bit before me, and present to you, the first ever Sports Take Mock Mailbag.

I have no idea if this bit will work or not, but you don't know until you try.

So let's give it a shot, shall we?

"He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain."
- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer", Chapter 2

"Difficult to obtain?" Yeah, I guess you could say Favre was difficult for the Vikings to obtain. and that leads me to...

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The first ever, Sports Take Mock Mailbag...

As always, none of the following emails were conceived, written, or sent by the individuals named. They're merely figments of my questionable imagination.

Sorry about that. But I never promised you anything, Minnesota!

B. Favre
Hattiesburg, MS

That's true Brett. You made no promises and you told us no lies.

But now I know what my friend in Milwaukee was trying to tell me all along. Getting excited for the potential arrival of this guy was a bad idea. Somehow, someway this was bound to turn out poorly.

And now it has. What a buzzkill.

I'm not a huge NFL fan as it is. I'll watch, but it's not necessarily appointment television for me.

(Aside: Except for Monday Night Football of course! I'd never miss the reporting of the finest sideline reporter in sports television today: Michele Tafoya! - she reads sometimes, and I'm not stupid.)

But had Favre signed with the Vikings, that would've created so many interesting story lines, that I'd be compelled to watch.

Now? Not so much.

All of that is predicated, of course, on the idea that this issue is actually decided. As a student of history, I'd be remiss if I didn't recognize his penchant for changing his mind on this subject.

I suspect that he really is done, since the given reason for his staying retired is a lack of belief in his ability to play a full season at a high enough level.

But that by no means precludes him from changing his mind. He's done it before. There's no reason to suspect that he might not do it again.

I hope not. But it's that sick, "not knowing" feeling that my buddy David warned me about. You were right David. You were right.

I'm available. Where can I send my resume?

M. Vick
Hampton Roads, VA

Yeah, um, Mike? Thanks, but we'll have our people call your people.

I was genuinely surprised by the number of people suggesting adding Vick after the news broke yesterday that Favre wasn't coming to Minnesota.

Really? I know that T-Jack and Sage don't get people all that excited. But do you really want to add a guy who was a mediocre passer prior to missing the last two seasons because he was in federal prison.

Italics don't do that justice. Let me try the caps lock: HE WAS IN FEDERAL PRISON.

Yeah, that's a little better.

I know that I argued that he should be reinstated and allowed the opportunity to sign with an NFL team. But I also noted that were I a NFL general manger, I wouldn't sign him. Not until he had played somewhere else (UFL, I'm looking at you) and show that he still has what it takes to succeed at the NFL level.

And he hasn't done anything of the sort. Plus, people have to remember, this guy is going to miss the first 6 games, regardless of his talent.

I just don't think it's worth the risk.

We've heard you're not watching, and we've won three in a row. We love our fans and all, but could we recommend some other fine prime time viewing?

The Home Nine
Minneapolis, MN


Yes, it's true. I was so bummed about the terrible road trip the Twins were having that I didn't watch the Sunday game to try and change things up a bit. And they won.

So, being the superstitious guy that I am when it comes to baseball, I didn't watch again on Monday. And they won.

Two in a row doesn't make a streak, but I can't mess with the mojo when the boys are winning right. So I didn't watch again on Tuesday. And Mark Buehrle continued his perfect streak through the 5th inning, setting a new major league record of 45 straight batters retired before the Twins broke it up, tied the game and then took the lead in the next inning. And they won again.

So now it's Wednesday, and what can I do? I can't watch until they lose. I've even got friends getting in on the bit. A friend of mine is going to the game tonight, and because she's aware of the streak, she specifically asked me not to watch. I don't think she really believes in the bit, but she knows I do, and that's enough for her.

I think Crash Davis said it best (this quote has been edited to make it family audience friendly):

"If you believe you're playing well because you're [reading poetry with a fine, upstanding young lass], or because you're not [reading poetry with a fine, upstanding young lass], or because you wear women's underwear, then you ARE!"

I don't really think that my watching or not watching has anything to do with it. But given the .000000000001% chance that it does? That's just not a risk I'm willing to take.

So no worries fellas. I won't watch until you break the streak!

We're still here you know. We'd love to have you watching us!

The Other Home Nine
Phoenix, AZ

You're right fellas. I've been lax in keeping up with you. I try to tune in when Dan Haren starts, but even that's been tough as of late.

Let's be honest. You know you're done. I know you're done. And when the Twins are in a pennant chase, it's tough for me to pay a ton of attention to you.

It's not that I don't still love you guys, honest. But you play a style of baseball that's not terribly easy to watch.

Hang in there. I'll keep checking in on you now and again. And I'll peek at the scoreboard and standings on a daily basis.

Am I cooked?

J. Papelbon
Boston, MA

No Jon, you're not cooked. But it might help if you threw something other than a fastball once in a while. I know you think you can blow your gas by any hitter in the league, but sooner or later, big league hitters are going hit you if they can sit on one particular pitch.

Look, I'm biased. I don't like your team, and I especially don't like you. But when the biggest Red Sox (whom I hate) fan I know (@sportsguy33) tweets:

"I've never had a colonoscopy but it can't be worse than watching every 2009 Papelbon save chance. It just can't."

... then we know something's pretty wrong.

I can't tell you how to fix it. I'm not sure I would if I could. But no, you're not done. Not yet.

Am I cooked?

O. Minaya
Queens, NY

Yes, Omar. Yes you are.

It's bad enough that you've spent money like a drunken Madoff investor, and have gotten squat for results.

It's worse when your friend who you've hired as your VP of Player/Personnel goes into your AA-affiliate's locker room and challenges the entire team to a fight.

But you know you're done when at the press conference you call to announce the firing of that guy, you try to throw one of the beat writers, who covered the story, under the bus by implying that the beat writer is only reporting that story because he wants a job in your front office.

I don't know how long it's going to take Mets ownership to decide to hand you your pink slip. But as the Shawshank warden's sign said,

"His judgment cometh... and that right soon."

We're coming!

The 120 NCAA FBS Programs
120 Cities, USA

That's right!

It's almost time for the college football season to start. We're less than 30 days away from kickoff.

The overlap between baseball and college football is a weird time for me. It's almost more sports than I can handle. And that's saying something! Let's just say that I budget my time more during those two-plus months better than at any time during the year.

There's plenty to look forward to this year. The Gophers are opening a new stadium. Wisconsin visits 10/3, and you know I'll be there.

Michigan is likely to be better than last year, but they'll still be a 2nd-tier team in the Big Ten(11). And though that will annoy the Hammer, one of my favorite people, it'll make me smile just a little bit.

The debate about a playoff will rage once again. And yet millions of people will tune in to watch the BCS Championship Game.

And we might even see the triumphant return of Erin Andrews after the ridiculous incident she just had to endure. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not going to dignify it with an explanation. Suffice to say, it's something no one should have to deal with, and I'm rooting for her to get back on the sidelines and prove the haters wrong soon!)

So there's your first ever Sports Take Mock Mailbag. Hope you enjoyed it!

I'll be back on Friday with... something. Should be the usual Friday column, but as today proved, you just never know!

Until then, thanks for reading!


  1. Well, here's to hoping the Home Nine win for a few days, Lisa and I are going to the game Saturday.

  2. I won't be watching on Saturday, unless they lose on Friday ;)